In CBT we say that uncertainty is unavoidable, worry is not. You have no choice what bubbles up in your mind but you do have choice in how long you stay with those thoughts and worries. This is easier at some times than others. Habitual worriers might find this hard to imagine.
If you’ve always been a worrier you might notice that there are times you worry more or less, but that largely if one worry is resolved another will take its place. Or perhaps it’s something for you that just flares up sometimes when you’re under pressure. If it’s problematic for you you’ll probably notice physical symptoms that you associate with worry like tension in your back and neck, a nervous tummy or IBS, stress headaches, tension in your jaw. These could be problematic or maybe the biggest cost to you is that something is lost in the moment, you’re less able to enjoy what’s in front of you and be present. It’s also harder to hear our real instincts underneath whirring incessant worry. Like a cloud of mosquitos it seems to drown out proper thought. Quite the opposite of the wise mind.
Often we worry because we’re feeling anxious, which produces adrenaline and cortisol, making us more threat focussed. As a species we’ve done well by not relaxing around danger, or even perceived danger. For example, not to fall asleep next to a predator is good. We’ve done better by focussing on the danger, worrying about whether there are more predators, and how to notify the rest of the clan. All very well but if there’s no predator, and you’re worrying about presentation at work or whether you’re a good enough parent, that’s different. Increased adrenaline and cortisol levels are going to ramp up your anxiety, the strength of your worry – increasing your stress levels, making your worries seem more and more likely to be true, and harder to unhook from. We are just not designed to be optimistic when we’re full of adrenaline.
CBT and mindfulness have a lot to offer us here. Firstly, noticing worry for what it is – thought, not necessarily fact. Often there’s a grain of truth in there which is just enough to make us really frightened. Of course I want that presentation to go well, to have enough money, to do right by my kids. But is any of this happening right now? In this room? Is this a spiralling list of ‘what ifs?’ Here a regular mindfulness practice can be really helpful. Often we’ve been lost in thought for some time before we’ve noticed what’s happened. Bringing awareness to our thoughts and noticing when we’re worried might not make much difference to how you feel but it’s an important first step. You might even name the worry voice ‘oh hello worry wart’ or something similar. Be playful, could you answer it back? ‘hello dear I know you’re just trying to keep me safe – but really none of these things are happening right now. These are future based concerns that I can’t act on right now.’
What do you think worry is doing for you? Is it keeping you safe? Prepared? Do you think bad things are less likely to happen if you worry about them? Sometimes things are within our control – sometimes they are not. That’s a bit much for us humans to cope with and it’s really understandable that we have an urge to take control when we feel anxious. Worrying can feel like it does that for us. In CBT we disagree – problem solving is helpful, worry is not. In your heart of hearts you do know the difference, they feel like completely different modes.
If you’re superstitious about worry, thinking bad things are less likely to happen if you’re worried – ask yourself whether this is really the way the world works. What would you say to a friend? If you believe that remaining on edge all the time is going to help anyone this comes at a high cost. You can afford to relax, in fact it’s highly recommended.
A powerful technique from the CBT toolbox is delaying responding to worry. Could you write it down, unhook from the worry, come back into what is actually happening around you? Saying to the worry – “you might have a point but you can’t hold me hostage while I’m working on this / having a bath /enjoying my relaxing cup of tea. I’ll come back to you when I have some set aside calm time later.” It’s much easier to unhook from worry if you’ve made an honest deal with it that you’ll come back. The invitation then is to choose a time when you can come back, some dedicated ‘worry time’. Up to half an hour when you have whatever you need to encourage worry time to become ‘problem solving’; phone, laptop, diary, cup of tea, time to think. Go through the worry list asking yourself the question- can I do anything about this? If the answer is yes – this is your chance to shine. If it’s no, cross it off, and as best you can move your precious attention and energy on to the next item of your list. Many people find that sitting with the same worry at a different time means it has less potency. This is interesting in itself- it instils a crack of doubt about how likely, critical and dangerous the fear is. If there’s something that you can do something about but not now – maybe you need to be paid or hear back from someone – you could organise yourself to bring your attention back to this at an appropriate time. Whether that’s reminders, post it notes or a paper diary. You will find it easier to unhook from worry if you know it will come back when it becomes something you can do something about.
This is a very important question in CBT – is this something I can do anything about? In your worry time, if it’s not, the healthy choice is to practice disentangling gently and refocusing attention.
Mindfulness helps with this. We can ‘come into our senses’. Thoughts are one place we can hang out. You also have touch, smell, taste, sound etc. Bringing all your concentration into whatever is happening around you, and engaging fully. Whether that’s singing along to a song, or looking at the person who is talking to you ‘what colour are their eyes’? for example. Humans are not as good at doing two things at once as they like to think they are. Treat yourself to a nice rest in the present moment. Come to your senses.
You could play with the idea of introducing worry free zones. Perhaps a lunch time walk, commute or shower – deliberately unhooking from worry, writing it down if that feels helpful, and valuing that time as worry free. This is like a muscle that you can strengthen over time through practice.
The opposite of being in an anxious worried spin is feeling restful, calm and alert. This is a much nicer place to be making decisions from. It’s very different for your nervous system and better decisions come from this state. Valuing rest and practicing relaxation is a really good idea. Make a note of activities that you find restful and think of these as medicine. Whether it’s bubble baths, listening to music, time in nature – everyone is different but largely anything that feels soothing and gentle for the nervous system will help you access inner wisdom. You’ll be better able to respond rather than react and access wisdom beyond that which you know you have. Meditation is hard if you’re feeling anxious, but really helpful. If sitting still feels impossible you might want to start with mindful movement, some grounding techniques or mindfulness of sounds.