Assertiveness

Assertiveness means expressing yourself in a way that is clear and direct while still respecting others. It’s not aggressive, or passive, but the balanced sweet spot. Being assertive on our own behalf can help us better meet our needs, control anger, minimize conflict and is conducive to healthy relationships. 

Sometimes we can be really worried about what other people think. If you’re feeling really socially anxious that can undermine assertiveness and benefits from treatment first. 

It’s helpful to think of assertiveness as being on a continuum.

Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. It doesn’t necessarily mean that we’ll get what we want and need. It does mean that we will have expressed ourselves though which gives us an infinitely better chance of getting our needs met, an ability to problem solve and relate intimately, and is conducive to good mental health. 

If we’re not assertive this can lead to low self esteem. If we’re communicating passively we can end up fulfilling other peoples wants or needs rather than our own. This can result in lack of purpose and a feeling of not being in control of ones own life. 

Being unassertive is a learned behaviour. Our families, cultures and roles may have had certain rules about expressing emotions, wants and needs. Perhaps about putting others first, being good, or not expecting others to respond well. This can make it hard to express dissatisfaction or rock the boat. If your family dealt with conflict by shouting and yelling then this might come more naturally to you. 

Practicing relaxation is important. Sometimes we are able to express ourselves but are so tense in the body that it is hard to think or act clearly. Practicing progressive muscle relaxation or a grounding exercise from this site might help you communicate better, by lowering the tension levels in the body. 

We can practice thinking more assertively. Look out for unassertive thinking patterns. For example beliefs that it is uncaring and rude to say what you want, or people should keep their feelings to themselves. Or a belief that if I assert myself I’ll upset the other person and ruin the relationship. 

You have the right to say no, to change your mind, to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour, to judge if you are responsible for solving other peoples problems, to disagree with someone, to make mistakes, to now know, to not care. To be illogical in making decisions and to say that you don’t understand, or want to. Look out for unassertive thoughts to the contrary.

What would you say to a friend? Or what would your most assertive friend say to you? 

Assertively scheduling in time to rest, work, see a friend, exercise or try a new hobby, can be invaluable. Valuing ourselves enough to know that this is good use of our resource and aids productivity and self esteem over time. 

Beware your non verbal communication. If you’re communicating assertively but your body language is aggressive or passive, you lose something. Keep your voice calm, tone and volume normal and try to reduce bodily tension, keep an open confident posture. Acting as if this is normal even if it doesn’t feel it. 

Self-disclosure helps us regulate our emotions, and using an I statement shows you are taking responsibility for your feelings. 

A helpful technique we use in CBT is the broken record technique. If you’re finding it hard to stand your ground instead of being shifted, try reiterating your initial response many times using slightly different wording. 

For example – ‘it’s an interesting project but doesn’t fit in my working day I’m afraid’. ‘I would like to be able to help but I can’t fit it in’ ‘I appreciate it’s disappointing for you but I’m not going to be able to help with that unfortunately’. And so on. It might feel brazen to hold your ground but it is more so not to take no for an answer. 

It can be really helpful to think about assertiveness, where you sit on the scale from passive to aggressive, and to be curious about this. It’s often a key part of the wellbeing puzzle and can help people to feel good, remove some blocks to progress, promoting self efficacy and the benefits of emotional expression.