Perfectionism is not a virtue unless we can hold flexibility and compassion for ourselves alongside high standards. What would 100% perfect be? How would this person look and behave? There’s no such thing and we know that really. Working towards an unachievable ideal steals joy from the present and ironically inhibits our ability to do the task at hand.
The most ardent perfectionists do not consider themselves to be one until they explore the definition a little, as they don’t identify with perfection but focus more intently on the areas in which they are falling short.
Perfectionism is defined as relentlessly striving for extremely high standards, even at high personal cost. Self-worth becomes overly reliant on productivity and achievement, which creates a type of vulnerability. Injury, retirement, periods of low productivity are very hard to tolerate when underpinned by perfectionism. Very high standards, and then being hard on ourselves when we can’t meet them, is not a happy combination. It also makes it really hard to get help (practical or emotional) if we feel ashamed about what we see as our imperfections. It sits on top of any difficulty like a varnish, fixing it in place and stopping things from shifting naturally.
Unrelenting high standards are hard to challenge as they are so rewarded by our society. You might get great feedback from others for having high standards, but perhaps it comes at too high a cost. Procrastination is a major indicator of perfectionism. We can find ourselves not starting or committing to things, in case we’re exposed as being in perfect. Imagine! Can we allow ourselves to be a bit vulnerable, to admit to all the not knowing? Knowing that we get stronger at this if we practice. It makes people much more relatable and easier to be around. What we’re usually aiming for is flexibility in our standards. It’s wonderful to care and to work to the best of your abilities. When you can’t, or something gets in the way, flexibility and compassion help. Us humans have a tendency to or turn on ourselves under pressure. If there’s a lot on – a baby, a new job, manager, presentation etc – there can be an urge to bounce off into busyness, wanting to control some aspect of the overwhelm, to feel some sense of achievement. Cutting ourselves as much slack as we can if things need to be done differently, and valuing and prioritising rest, will always be helpful. Often the outcome is nicer as a result too.
Another perfectionistic trait is to be so hooked on a good outcome, that the activity itself becomes strained and tiring. It can feel as though you’re doing everything with a gun against your head. A good tonic for this is mindful attention, dropping back into our senses in the present moment. Trying to get lost in the process rather than aiming for any particular outcome. For example if we’re washing up and running through our to do list at the same time cursing ourselves for not being further through it, for not being generally a better person, we will feel tense and tire ourselves out. If we can get lost in the process of washing up for a few minutes feeling the bubbles, textures, sounds, that will be soothing for the nervous system. Often we find that we enjoy the process more and are happier with the outcome, if we’re in flow and lost in the process. The same applies across a wide variety of activities – anything you’ve enjoyed fulsomely in flow recently?
One of the things we see play out in patients who are struggling with high standards, is that they have a tendency to discount their successes, move the goal posts and discredit their successes. Oh I got lucky, I got away with it, it wasn’t that hard, straight on to the next challenge. This is a trap. If this resonates you might like to keep a diary of things you’ve done that were good enough, or that you were happy with, each day. Aim small -it might be a 3 minute meditation when was stressed, phoning a friend for a chat, completing a task at work. Attending to these successes will feel nicer than focussing on the things that slipped through the net.
Beware the tendency to compare yourself unfavourably to others. It would be very dull if we were all good at all the same things. If we can bring compassion to our vulnerability and to the things we don’t yet know, maybe we can allow ourselves to feel our way through. This allows growth and development, collaboration and progression. We can act with more instinct, intent and inner calm than if we’re being dictated to by critical thoughts and beliefs about our abilities or what it means to do something badly. It’s a good practice to take something up just for fun, that you’re not very good at. Drawing, dancing, cooking etc just for the pleasure of the moment to moment engagement. You’ll probably be good at it, want to get better and that’s when there’s a risk of striving blocking joy. I’m sure beginner’s luck has something to do with this.
If we can take everything a bit less personally that can be helpful, perhaps considering the workplace as a giant game of snakes and ladders. Keep rolling the dice, you’ll get a ladder soon. Consider dropping the façade, probably your friends, relations and colleagues share similar fears. You might be underestimating them and yourself. It’s most likely that by dropping 10% of tense effort you could enjoy the task in front of you more, and get a better result.